Yesterday marked Hynlee's 5th month anniversary of her diagnosis. The diagnosis isn't something you want to celebrate, but looking how far we come is. Thinking back to that night....those first few weeks...the fear...the unknown. Everything was so overwhelming. But now looking back, the only way I know to describe that time is the Footprints poem. The one where you aren't strong enough to walk on your own so the Lord carries you. I thought then there is no way I can handle this. This is too much. But By His Grace we have made it.
I had my moments when I hated the disease. Being totally honest, its something very easy to hate. But it took me realizing this isn't going away. Everyday from now on we are going to face this battle. I could either accept it and deal with it the best I could, or spend the rest of my life with this overwhelming feeling of defeat. That was a turning point on this journey for me. It seemed like it got a little easier from then on. That I was no longer battling not only her blood sugar daily, but a war against something I couldn't change.
But as we sat in the restaurant with our little family the other day, those dark thoughts tried their best to return. Like always, I was checking her levels before eating and we were getting looks from some other people. Most adults give you looks of sympathy, kids faces are mostly filled with either fear or questions. But today I sat looking around at the other children in the restaurant. They were all busy being just kids. Crawling under tables, coloring pictures, or arguing what they wanted to eat. None of them were being poked, yet again. Before I thought about the words, I asked Derick does he ever just get mad at our situation. Of course, he said No. There is a reason for it. I believe that too. I wasn't meaning I wished another child had it instead. I would never wish this on anyone, yet alone another child. But there are days when I sit back and look at her, thinking of the obstacles that could stand in her way. The risks, and dangers that could easily harm my baby.
I hate that I let those thoughts come rushing back. But it's at those times that I am reminded how far the Lord has brought us. He knows exactly what he's doing and I'm just going to have to trust him more. It's like when I found out I was expecting again. Terrified isn't the word. All I kept saying was I can't do this. How can I handle another baby on top of everything else we are going through. I was doubting what HE had instore for us. But now we are being told of a treatment being used to treat, possibly cure T1D using cord blood. And a siblings cord blood has an excellent chance of being a perfect match. We are still looking into the pros and cons. But here I was thinking I can't, and maybe just maybe this miracle baby is going to help me more than I ever thought possible.
I had my moments when I hated the disease. Being totally honest, its something very easy to hate. But it took me realizing this isn't going away. Everyday from now on we are going to face this battle. I could either accept it and deal with it the best I could, or spend the rest of my life with this overwhelming feeling of defeat. That was a turning point on this journey for me. It seemed like it got a little easier from then on. That I was no longer battling not only her blood sugar daily, but a war against something I couldn't change.
But as we sat in the restaurant with our little family the other day, those dark thoughts tried their best to return. Like always, I was checking her levels before eating and we were getting looks from some other people. Most adults give you looks of sympathy, kids faces are mostly filled with either fear or questions. But today I sat looking around at the other children in the restaurant. They were all busy being just kids. Crawling under tables, coloring pictures, or arguing what they wanted to eat. None of them were being poked, yet again. Before I thought about the words, I asked Derick does he ever just get mad at our situation. Of course, he said No. There is a reason for it. I believe that too. I wasn't meaning I wished another child had it instead. I would never wish this on anyone, yet alone another child. But there are days when I sit back and look at her, thinking of the obstacles that could stand in her way. The risks, and dangers that could easily harm my baby.
I hate that I let those thoughts come rushing back. But it's at those times that I am reminded how far the Lord has brought us. He knows exactly what he's doing and I'm just going to have to trust him more. It's like when I found out I was expecting again. Terrified isn't the word. All I kept saying was I can't do this. How can I handle another baby on top of everything else we are going through. I was doubting what HE had instore for us. But now we are being told of a treatment being used to treat, possibly cure T1D using cord blood. And a siblings cord blood has an excellent chance of being a perfect match. We are still looking into the pros and cons. But here I was thinking I can't, and maybe just maybe this miracle baby is going to help me more than I ever thought possible.
