Last week on 12-21-2012....the supposed end of the world, I got some unexpected news. MOMENTS after finishing up the last post(Strong Enough) I found out that I would be a new Mommy again. Yep, you read it correct. 4 KIDS!
I had always said I either wanted 2 or 4, never a middle child. I was the middle and trust me it's NO fun!! But after Hynlee, I felt as if our family was complete. I was done. Of course, Derick would make the occasional comment about another, but we were done. Or so we thought. With the others, I was beyond thrilled. Yes, they were all surprises. We have yet to plan a pregnancy:) But, this one was different. My first thought was there is no way I can handle another, not with Hynlee's care. It takes every bit of my energy to stay on top of her care, her injections, the girls schooling, the house, and still try to be a sane mother and wife. How could I ever stretch myself further. I couldn't give this child the attention it needs and deserves. It was most defiantly a different feeling. But with the help of a good friend and my sister, I was able to pull myself together and get ready to tell Derick.
I love being creative. It's just who I am. But being in shock still and with the 4th you kind of run out of ideas. LOL. All I knew to do was wrap it up as an early Christmas gift and surprise him. Well, it wasn't much of a surprise. He said he could read it all over my face. The plan was to wait until the right moment. Well the very second I saw him, I couldn't wait. He took the news a lot better than I did. He said something that will forever stick with me. He couldn't stand the thought of 20 years from now looking at our child, and remembering me....the mother not being happy. That hit me hard. And I needed to hear it. It's not that I wasn't happy....if you know me I would adopt every child who doesn't have a home. I was just overwhelmed at the moment.
After reality set in and all was real, we decided to wait until Christmas to tell everyone. The night before Christmas we told the girls. They were allowed to open one early gift. The reaction was priceless. It took a second for it to register but when it did they were thrilled!
Next was the grandparents. I think we took them all by surprise. Some almost went into shock! But it was right after we told them I felt something wasn't right. We were on the way to Derick's family dinner when I got the worst set of stomach cramps EVER! I'm still not sure how I made it through the lunch without leaving early.
The next morning was my first ob appointment. And that gut feeling that something just wasn't right was correct. First problem, the gestational sac was in the wrong location. Next, I have a LARGE hemotma in my uterus. My OB said we would start with labs, check my HCG levels and come back in two days to recheck again. If my levels didn't improve I had two options, 1st...continue to try and carry the baby with the risk of me hemorrhaging. 2nd... taking medicine to finish the miscarriage that at the time looked inevitable. In my mind there was no choice. I would never end my child's life, ever! If it was the Lords will for me to not carry this baby, he would take it. I couldn't. I totally get it, I have other babies that I have to be here for, and Lord willing I will. But as a Mommy you put your babies before you always no matter the circumstance!
I didn't make it to the lab before I lost it. How could this be happening? Was it my fault? Was this because I was doubting being able to care for another. At that very moment, all those doubts and fears left. Yes, it would be trying, a struggle at times. But the Lord had already given me this baby, and I wanted nothing more than the chance to be it's mommy too.
I have always believed in angels on Earth, but honestly believe up until Hynlee's diagnosis I was too busy to notice them. Hynlee has had many in her journey. But in the lab that day, I met mine. I still get cold chills every time I think about it. At that moment, I felt completely alone but looking back the Lord was right there with me. He knew exactly what he was doing and which technician I needed to be scheduled with. She took one look at me and knew something wasn't right. She reached out her arms, and in them I fell. As I told her everything from my fears of caring for Hynlee and the baby, to now the unknown, she sat there and listened to every word. At some point I shared that this was Hynlee's Christmas wish, to have another baby. She simply said, "Maybe this is what the Lord wants. Maybe he knows you can't handle another one, but wanted her to have an angel watching her through her struggle." No words. Just tears. I don't know how long I was there, but she stayed right beside me, comforting me. I know she knew she was right where the Lord wanted her. She later told me she is almost completed her christian counseling degree. She will be amazing!
It was a miracle I made it home that day. I couldn't see the road for the tears. The next few days were nothing but a blur. I didn't get out of bed. My kids basically took care of themselves.
I still can't eat. Every time I do I cramp so bad I could cry. I'm terrified of going to the bathroom, scared of what I might find.
It's been a week since my first sonogram. Derick went with me for my recheck. We were both so nervous we didn't say a word the whole way there. As I laid back on the exam table, I couldn't decide if I wanted to look at the screen, or just get up and run. I didn't want to hear any more bad news. The gestational sack has moved. It's where it needs to be. Thank you Lord! And it had changed, bigger, more developed. Still no baby visible, but we are headed in the right direction. Thank you again Lord! But the hematoma is still there. Some angles it looked bigger, some smaller. So we aren't sure if it's still bleeding. It's still very large. My doctor's words, "You aren't out of the woods yet. But we are seeing improvement." She told me she was sure I would miscarry the weekend before. That's my God! I still have to take it easy, no overdoing it. And pray every day that this will go away. Our greatest desire is for it to dissolve.
I got my lab results today. My HCG has more than doubled since Friday. So blessed!!
